Leaving

I can feel the clock ticking, time wasting away
Every second nearing closer to complacency
Maybe this happens to everyone
Or maybe its in my head
Either way… its driving me away.

So before I meet some guy and get a good job
Before I sign my rights away or become part of something important
Before I get lost in what im suppose to be and forget about happiness
Before I settle for a life half lived
I must leave………….

To a place where I can come alive
Where I can dream without being asleep
Where inhibitions are thrown aside
And the apathy of yesterday dies

To experience change, the beauty of unknowing
To figure out the hard stuff
To be the girl I might have been and do the things I wish I could
To obtain life by actually experiencing it

Driving through Iowa a few weeks before the move

Loss

Her hand
Piercing needle across my face……
It hurt little compared to invisibility

But I chose it
The absence of need. Bitter independence
I let her wear the glasses
I hid the weeping well

And though I wanted her to fight for me
She could not see ………
My voice being silenced
Vulnerability hidden away
Independence replacing invalidated need

Soon coping became pain that I couldn’t deny
So I tried to fill myself with the one that fills

But that also has left me broken….. And my heart continues to bleed
Through the masquerade of wholeness
Through the vision of what should have been

I hide myself away
I cover my eyes to love
For every time, the walls come crashing down
Leaving me with greater pain

I run in circles, lost in the subconscious oblivion
Unsure of what is truth……..

Another dark night

My head throbs with pain, from this knowing torture
My eyes are swollen from endless weeping

I take a deep breath in, causing the sobbing to cease
Yet the tears continue to stream down my face

It takes every once of energy to move my hands toward my face
I press hard agents my cheeks trying to obtain some sort of feeling

I lay and cry as I feel time wasting away
I cannot bear the thought of facing yet another day

There is no end to this pain…..
My heart continues to bleed

Sometimes I wish the blood was real
Speaking truth to invisible turmoil……

I pull my legs up toward my chest
And wrap my arms around my shoulders

I try to imagine love
Someone holding me

Torturous Song

The words continue to echo in my mind… Oh how he loves me, oh how he loves me, oh how he loves me.
I just sat their as still as silence, trying to contain myself.
The words were like a vacuum, sucking the life right out of me.
It was so painful, yet I could not leave.
I just stared off into space, wondering if things would ever be ok again.
They kept repeated the words over and over and over……...
Each time my heart growing heavier and my soul becoming more hopeless.
Something within me seemed to scream in objection.
If only it were true, if only he really did want me…………………
Then the tears came and I buried my face in my hands.
I wanted to voice the torture, I wanted to scream and weep and bang my fists upon the floor.
But I couldn’t.
I cant!

I just contiue to smile

Beautiful Ashes Collage

Love?????

He said he cried when she got her ears pierced…………..
I just couldn’t understand

Is that what its suppose to be like?
Is that love?

It was half healing, half heartbreaking
I held back the tears as his words echoed in my mind

I would be lying if I said I didn’t carry it with me all day
Trying to wrap my mind around a relationship like that

I love when he talks about his kids
His eyes sparkle and he gets this half sided smile

You can tell its real…… whatever they have

It makes me realize that there’s more to love then I know
Yet it births a new pain in which I again play the victim

I felt something inside me beginning to break
The walls of protection falling apart

Teetering back and forth on the wall of safety and pain
I covered my eyes, and tried again to convinced myself

The past has left its me clinging to only one thing
Yet alone, my plea has been answered by my own imagination

No longer able to pretend, I cry out once again…….
Yet I am felt alone
To cope

Painting of a fetus

Winter storm

As I stumble up the steps, hope fills my being.
I knock loudly on the door. Knock, knock, knock.
The cold winter storm rages behind me.
Gusts of snow blow up agents the back of my body.
As I stand shivering, I rub my hands vigorously.
They are so cold! Nearly frostbitten.
I wonder to myself how long it would take me to get warm.
I knock again. Knock, knock, knock.
I shift my weight quickly from one leg to the other.
I know the more I moved the warmer I will stay.
The cold bitter wind stings my face and chills me to the bone.
“How long will He take?”
With the thought that maybe he hadn’t heard me, I pound loudly on the door. Pound, pound, pound.
A few seconds go by………. No response.
No longer concerned about how my rude knocking will be taken, I take both firsts to the door.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
“Where was He? He said if I knocked he would answer!”
“Maybe He’s not home. Maybe He changed his mind………………”
I bang on the door again; Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Every blow feels like a thousand needles piercing my fists.
I turn and look out towards where I have come from.
The snow is coming down so hard. I can hardly see the pathway leading up towards the house.
There is no way I could go back out there. There is no way!
I turn back towards the door “Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang”
In desperation I begin calling out…………….. yet with no reply.
Fear fills my being. “what if He doesn’t come?”
I cant feel my figures or my toes. Soon my whole body will be frostbitten.
I continued banging “Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang”
Tears sting in my eyes, and freeze to my face as they fall.
My body is conversing uncontrollably.
Anger and confusion fill my mind. It feels like Ive been waiting for hours.
“Why isn’t He answering?”
“Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang”
No longer able to hold myself up, I slumped to the bottom of the door.
I sit with my face pressed up agents the wood doorframe and with one fist…… “pound, pound, pound”
I know there is no way He can hear my pounding if He cant hear my banging, but I have no strength left to muster.
With the snow falling fast and the nights cold becoming arctic, I give the door one last pound.
Im not even sure if my fist is hitting the door, my hand is completely numb.
Weak, broken and confused I let my body fall onto the porch floor.
I have nothing left, I can hardly move.
I managed to pull my knee’s up towards my chest, and wrap my arms around my shoulders.
My body has stopped convulsing, and I lay completely still.
With my eyes closed, my mind begins to slow.
I feel a blanket of warmth creep up through my senses.
I dont care that its not real……………. I feels better then the pain.
I drift off into oblivion, trying not to care that He doesnt want me………….......

Suppressed

I am sickened
Angered
At this terrible hopeless state

I want to run away and leave this place
I want to throw up all that I’ve swallowed

I’m so tired of this mess
Of trying and striving……………

There is no answer or reason
No form of validation

Just a old photograph……………..
Just a million questions that I don’t know how to ask

What a high cost for ignorance
What results, yet at no one choosing

Though the self inflicted pain now drowns out any other,
And a false cense of security quiets my fears........

The walls that I’ve embraced now suffocate me
And I am left crying to feel……..

New Years Eve

Angela

I still cant believe this is happening
Every morning I wake up, I hope it was just a bad dream
Then reality hits and I struggle to hold back the tears

I feel so broken.
So crushed

How could this happen?

Though I curse the sun for shining,
and wonder at this cruel unjust world,
I have found strength in the realization that HIS weeping surpasses my own.

Her cry was restoration,
And though she could not wate,
Now she is restored,
And her cry becomes my own.

My instrument

As I reach upward, not knowing what I may find……
A box falls into my hands
Though it has been longer hidden then embraced
It somehow resembles all of me

When I hid it, I thought I would also forget
But it has haunted all of my thoughts
It been so long since I’ve played………………………

I am temped
Though I’m not sure by what; Of playing or of hiding

For though I know my inadequacy will show
No one is watching
And while I would rather push the box back, and pretend it doesn’t exist
Something inside of me brakes, and the tears again begin to fall

When I gave it up it broke my heart……….
How can I take it back?…………..
Yet deep within I feel hope
And the remembrance of a great joy fuels my desire

I brush away the dust
And stare in awe at such beauty……….
Though I hid it well, it still burns deep within my soul
And though I know it will never sound the same………………….. I still long to play

My heart pounds within me, and my tears continue to fall
All fear and doubt fade, as I embrace forsaken identity

My feet are my instrument
Dance is my song
And as I begin to move, I am overwhelmed at His pleasure

Beautiful scars

There is a beauty to my scars
A deep radiating beauty

To the world It may look like imperfection….
A wound, a defect, a weakness….

But to me it is cherished
As a wonderful priceless gift

It shies as beauty yet to come
A promise to be complete

It speaks of indefinable worth
It sings as a melody

It dances across my skin
Leaving a shining glow

It is my greatest treasure
A love so tenderly bestowed

Some may wonder why my eyes glitter at it’s mention
The mystery however I hold sacred in my heart……………

There is a beauty to my scars
A deep radiating beauty

Corpis Christi, TX

I couldn't bare leaving FL.
As I was driving down the hwy, away from a place where I felt I actually belonged, I saw an old broken down church.
I exited the hwy and headed in its direction, desperate for a distraction, any reason for which to stay a little longer.
I parked outside, and cautiously approached the broken down building.
I didnt know what I was doing, I just knew something inside was drawing me.
And inside, I danced.
And left with peace.

FL Trip