Torturous Song

The words continue to echo in my mind… Oh how he loves me, oh how he loves me, oh how he loves me.
I just sat their as still as silence, trying to contain myself.
The words were like a vacuum, sucking the life right out of me.
It was so painful, yet I could not leave.
I just stared off into space, wondering if things would ever be ok again.
They kept repeated the words over and over and over……...
Each time my heart growing heavier and my soul becoming more hopeless.
Something within me seemed to scream in objection.
If only it were true, if only he really did want me…………………
Then the tears came and I buried my face in my hands.
I wanted to voice the torture, I wanted to scream and weep and bang my fists upon the floor.
But I couldn’t.
I cant!

I just contiue to smile

Beautiful Ashes Collage

Love?????

He said he cried when she got her ears pierced…………..
I just couldn’t understand

Is that what its suppose to be like?
Is that love?

It was half healing, half heartbreaking
I held back the tears as his words echoed in my mind

I would be lying if I said I didn’t carry it with me all day
Trying to wrap my mind around a relationship like that

I love when he talks about his kids
His eyes sparkle and he gets this half sided smile

You can tell its real…… whatever they have

It makes me realize that there’s more to love then I know
Yet it births a new pain in which I again play the victim

I felt something inside me beginning to break
The walls of protection falling apart

Teetering back and forth on the wall of safety and pain
I covered my eyes, and tried again to convinced myself

The past has left its me clinging to only one thing
Yet alone, my plea has been answered by my own imagination

No longer able to pretend, I cry out once again…….
Yet I am felt alone
To cope

Painting of a fetus

Winter storm

As I stumble up the steps, hope fills my being.
I knock loudly on the door. Knock, knock, knock.
The cold winter storm rages behind me.
Gusts of snow blow up agents the back of my body.
As I stand shivering, I rub my hands vigorously.
They are so cold! Nearly frostbitten.
I wonder to myself how long it would take me to get warm.
I knock again. Knock, knock, knock.
I shift my weight quickly from one leg to the other.
I know the more I moved the warmer I will stay.
The cold bitter wind stings my face and chills me to the bone.
“How long will He take?”
With the thought that maybe he hadn’t heard me, I pound loudly on the door. Pound, pound, pound.
A few seconds go by………. No response.
No longer concerned about how my rude knocking will be taken, I take both firsts to the door.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
“Where was He? He said if I knocked he would answer!”
“Maybe He’s not home. Maybe He changed his mind………………”
I bang on the door again; Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Every blow feels like a thousand needles piercing my fists.
I turn and look out towards where I have come from.
The snow is coming down so hard. I can hardly see the pathway leading up towards the house.
There is no way I could go back out there. There is no way!
I turn back towards the door “Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang”
In desperation I begin calling out…………….. yet with no reply.
Fear fills my being. “what if He doesn’t come?”
I cant feel my figures or my toes. Soon my whole body will be frostbitten.
I continued banging “Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang”
Tears sting in my eyes, and freeze to my face as they fall.
My body is conversing uncontrollably.
Anger and confusion fill my mind. It feels like Ive been waiting for hours.
“Why isn’t He answering?”
“Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang”
No longer able to hold myself up, I slumped to the bottom of the door.
I sit with my face pressed up agents the wood doorframe and with one fist…… “pound, pound, pound”
I know there is no way He can hear my pounding if He cant hear my banging, but I have no strength left to muster.
With the snow falling fast and the nights cold becoming arctic, I give the door one last pound.
Im not even sure if my fist is hitting the door, my hand is completely numb.
Weak, broken and confused I let my body fall onto the porch floor.
I have nothing left, I can hardly move.
I managed to pull my knee’s up towards my chest, and wrap my arms around my shoulders.
My body has stopped convulsing, and I lay completely still.
With my eyes closed, my mind begins to slow.
I feel a blanket of warmth creep up through my senses.
I dont care that its not real……………. I feels better then the pain.
I drift off into oblivion, trying not to care that He doesnt want me………….......

Suppressed

I am sickened
Angered
At this terrible hopeless state

I want to run away and leave this place
I want to throw up all that I’ve swallowed

I’m so tired of this mess
Of trying and striving……………

There is no answer or reason
No form of validation

Just a old photograph……………..
Just a million questions that I don’t know how to ask

What a high cost for ignorance
What results, yet at no one choosing

Though the self inflicted pain now drowns out any other,
And a false cense of security quiets my fears........

The walls that I’ve embraced now suffocate me
And I am left crying to feel……..

New Years Eve