Leaving

I can feel the clock ticking, time wasting away
Every second nearing closer to complacency
Maybe this happens to everyone
Or maybe its in my head
Either way… its driving me away.

So before I meet some guy and get a good job
Before I sign my rights away or become part of something important
Before I get lost in what im suppose to be and forget about happiness
Before I settle for a life half lived
I must leave………….

To a place where I can come alive
Where I can dream without being asleep
Where inhibitions are thrown aside
And the apathy of yesterday dies

To experience change, the beauty of unknowing
To figure out the hard stuff
To be the girl I might have been and do the things I wish I could
To obtain life by actually experiencing it

Driving through Iowa a few weeks before the move

Loss

Her hand
Piercing needle across my face……
It hurt little compared to invisibility

But I chose it
The absence of need. Bitter independence
I let her wear the glasses
I hid the weeping well

And though I wanted her to fight for me
She could not see ………
My voice being silenced
Vulnerability hidden away
Independence replacing invalidated need

Soon coping became pain that I couldn’t deny
So I tried to fill myself with the one that fills

But that also has left me broken….. And my heart continues to bleed
Through the masquerade of wholeness
Through the vision of what should have been

I hide myself away
I cover my eyes to love
For every time, the walls come crashing down
Leaving me with greater pain

I run in circles, lost in the subconscious oblivion
Unsure of what is truth……..

Another dark night

My head throbs with pain, from this knowing torture
My eyes are swollen from endless weeping

I take a deep breath in, causing the sobbing to cease
Yet the tears continue to stream down my face

It takes every once of energy to move my hands toward my face
I press hard agents my cheeks trying to obtain some sort of feeling

I lay and cry as I feel time wasting away
I cannot bear the thought of facing yet another day

There is no end to this pain…..
My heart continues to bleed

Sometimes I wish the blood was real
Speaking truth to invisible turmoil……

I pull my legs up toward my chest
And wrap my arms around my shoulders

I try to imagine love
Someone holding me

Torturous Song

The words continue to echo in my mind… Oh how he loves me, oh how he loves me, oh how he loves me.
I just sat their as still as silence, trying to contain myself.
The words were like a vacuum, sucking the life right out of me.
It was so painful, yet I could not leave.
I just stared off into space, wondering if things would ever be ok again.
They kept repeated the words over and over and over……...
Each time my heart growing heavier and my soul becoming more hopeless.
Something within me seemed to scream in objection.
If only it were true, if only he really did want me…………………
Then the tears came and I buried my face in my hands.
I wanted to voice the torture, I wanted to scream and weep and bang my fists upon the floor.
But I couldn’t.
I cant!

I just contiue to smile

Beautiful Ashes Collage

Love?????

He said he cried when she got her ears pierced…………..
I just couldn’t understand

Is that what its suppose to be like?
Is that love?

It was half healing, half heartbreaking
I held back the tears as his words echoed in my mind

I would be lying if I said I didn’t carry it with me all day
Trying to wrap my mind around a relationship like that

I love when he talks about his kids
His eyes sparkle and he gets this half sided smile

You can tell its real…… whatever they have

It makes me realize that there’s more to love then I know
Yet it births a new pain in which I again play the victim

I felt something inside me beginning to break
The walls of protection falling apart

Teetering back and forth on the wall of safety and pain
I covered my eyes, and tried again to convinced myself

The past has left its me clinging to only one thing
Yet alone, my plea has been answered by my own imagination

No longer able to pretend, I cry out once again…….
Yet I am felt alone
To cope